Friday, November 6, 2009

Consumer Reports dept.

Axe makes some pretty bold commercials. Apparently applying a little bit of their body spray to your torso can be a dangerous act... It seems to set off some hormonal reflex within the female gender that can't be controlled, and virtually makes you a target for all the women who are in your general vicinity. Especially those women who are clad in bikinis, and incidentally way too hot to normally notice such a feeble existence as yours. If this stuff actually works, it is worth 100 million times more than the 4 dollars each bottle sells for at Wally-World. It's platinum for pennies, a literal genie in a bottle. I thought I'd give it a try to see if it actually works. I stood outside the mall and sprayed a healthy amount onto my shirt. I made sure I did this when no body was watching because... Well... Holy crap that would be embarrassing as hell if somebody saw me doing that just before I walked into a mall. So non-chalantly I gave myself a healthy spray, threw caution to the wind, and entered the building. I made a slight cringe as I stepped forward, knowing I was unleashing a tidal wave of male pheromones. I imagined the movie theater scene in Outbreak, when the guy coughs in slow motion and his tainted germs are released into the immediate atmosphere to those helplessly around him. If these Axe commercials were true, then I knew I had to brace for what was going to happen next. I entered the mall in motion picture slow motion. Then with one giant step forward without any possibility of turning back, I made the metaphorical forward plunge. After all, I figured, what's the worse thing that could happen to me... I could end up like that poor guy on the commercial?

I walked steadfast into the mall. Several women were in my general vicinity, and I eyed them surreptitiously. Evidently they hadn't caught a whiff of me yet... But perhaps I was still up-wind. Surely the air inside the mall moved toward the exits, one of which was just a few yards behind me.

I strode gallantly past the girls making sure to get close enough so that they couldn't escape my alluring aroma. I was a little surprised that I didn't even garner a look-up. I could smell the Axe spray I had shot onto my body... Why couldn't they? I noticed a fresh cookie kiosk nearby... Perhaps I thought, that the smells of the cookies were stronger than the spray on my body, and I was just in the wrong part of the mall. I walked deeper into the mall, away from any food kiosks. Along the way I passed several beautiful women. Not one of them looked at me, or gave me any indication that I was even a small part of their interest. I was beginning to think that this Axe spray - women attraction thing might just be a bit fabricated.

Could it be that I hadn't been generous enough in my application of Axe body spray?

I had to find out. I went to the center part of the mall where the grand piano sets next to the fountain. Despite the people gathered on benches and the kids tossing pennies into the pool of water, I took off my shirt and stood there. I took out the spray, and shot the remainder of what was in the bottle onto my bare chest. Then I dropped the bottle, and put my arms straight out, palms upward, slightly higher than my shoulders... Just like the guy in the commercial. Then for dramatic effect only, I began to spin around... With my eyes closed I imagined the throng of women closing in on me from all sides...

I'm going to end this post by saying that those Axe commercials are BIG FAT lies. When I did open my eyes I was not surrounded by a throng of man-hungry women, but instead a large mall security guard who seemed intent on ushering me outside. The looks I got from the women who were near me were not pleasant or aroused, but more like super disgusted. Those who had children were shielding me away from them like I was some child eating jungle beast, and I barely got my shirt back on before Mr. Mall Security pushed me out into the busy parking lot.

In conclusion, this consumer report finds that the Axe commercials are mis-leading and also a misrepresentation of the product. A consumer has no advantage in getting laid by using Axe body spray any more than he'd have if he were to spray on his father's Old Spice cologne. In fact, he might have a better chance of getting laid using the Old Spice because he'd be able to save the 4 dollars to spend elsewhere... Like on a cheap bouquet of flowers... At the very least the consumer probably wouldn't get that dreaded look of disgust.



Tommy said...

Once a week or so, I'll wander down the Health and Beauty aisle, and walk through a cloud of that shit. It's a pretty regular thing for some teenager (or pre teen, even, shopping with ma) to crack open a spray can and douse themselves with the noxious fumes within.

I'd rather walk through somebody's fart cloud than smell that stuff...

Len Cleavelin said...

Wow. Axe Body Spray doesn't get you laid by every stray female within a 6 mile radius?

I am *so* bummed to hear that.

Essie said...

I love this video and your blog about it.... LOVE IT!