Saturday, November 28, 2009

Steeler Fan sees image of Troy Polamalu on Iron

When Pittsburgh Steeler fan John Bandwagon set out to "press a few shirts" yesterday he was shocked to see the image of his favorite football player on the bottom of his iron. "I plugged it in to heat it up and walked away." he explained. "When I came back several minutes later, I was amazed to see the face of T.P. staring up at me."
"I took this as a sign," he continued, "I think that despite his being listed as 'OUT' for tomorrow's game against the Ravens, he will indeed play. We (The Steelers) are going to need him too... Roethlisberger got the shit canned out of him last week against the Chiefs and frankly, without these two players, we might as well be the Cleveland Browns." Dennis Dixon is scheduled to start the game in the quarterback slot for the Steelers. He has thrown one pass in his 2 year pro career which he completed for a 3 yard gain. The Ravens have one of the most ferocious defenses in the NFL and must be foaming at the mouth in anticipation of welcoming this young player to his first NFL start. "I think he will do OK," said Bandwagon. "But I do not think he will have his 100% completion rating when this game is over." Raven DB Ray Lewis disagrees. "I'm going to sack this guy, gouge his eyeballs out, and feed them to the guys in the defensive huddle." When asked what would happen if Dixon got knocked out of the game Bandwagon didn't seem concerned. After a slight pause a smile formed on his face and he said, "Well, if that image on my iron has any validity at all, then I'm guessing that they would bring Polamalu in to play quarterback!" Hmmm... Sorry John Bandwagon. Looks like the Super Bowl Chumps are going to be 6-5 at week's end.

Seperated at Birth dept.

Susan Boyle and Jack Black... This post clearly speaks for itself...

Friday, November 27, 2009

Photographic Proof: Black Friday is Real

Black Friday indeed...
My father and I made a venture into town to get some keys duplicated. When the cashier handed my father back his change, we were shocked to discover that in amongst the dimes and nickels he had handed my father a black quarter. Coincidence? No... Absolutely not. This Black Friday thing is REAL.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

A Post in Which I use the Word Anvil

Remember, a few years back, whenever you bought enough of something at a grocery store to require a bag the cashier would ask, "Paper or plastic?" That was a symptom of the modern 'green movement' in it's infancy. Of course the public perception at the time was that plastic was convenient and paper was enviro-friendly. Personally I chose convenience, unless it was early on a Sunday and I was picking up a six-pack amongst others who were going to church... Then I tended to take the camouflage that paper offered, though I knew I was fooling nobody. It seems weird to me that paper bags have become obsolete at most commercial grocery stores, even as the environmental movement has become more prevalent. Doesn't it make sense, that the paper bag should have made the cut... As the perception of global warming has become broader? 'Paper or plastic?' is just an after thought in this modern age. That old cliche has become all but forgotten. Grocery store cashiers have a new catch phrase that they use, and it too offers you a choice. Each time I hear it, it hits me like an anvil pushed Bugs Bunny style, out of a window above me. I cringe... It floors me every time. The catch phrase I am speaking of is, "Do you want your milk in a bag?" Whatever theory some corporate monster developed as a base to requiring his employees to ask this question is beyond me. Hell... Good Will Hunting couldn't figure that out that mystery. My answer is ALWAYS yes. Milk, to me is just as equal as the other groceries... Groceries that are being sacked without question. Why would I NOT want my milk in a sack? If it were to ride in my car unbagged, then wouldn't it tend to roll all over the seat and floorboard, absorbing dirt, dog hair, and God knows what else? Milk jugs sweat when temporarily left in warm temperatures... Perspiration forms on the outside of the jug and becomes a magnet for dirt and debris. Also, milk jugs are roundish in shape... Any sudden turn of the steering wheel or a quick hit on the brakes and the jug is bouncing around the interior of the car like a pinball. Or more precisely, a bowling ball. I was at the cashier to pay for some things that I was picking up for Thanksgiving dinner, and because of the enormous bounty I was unloading onto the cashier's counter, and the stress I endured while shopping on the busiest grocery buying day of the year, my mind wasn't prepared for the dreaded and inevitable question when she asked me... "Do you want your milk in a sack?" "No." I replied, looking up at her eyes. "I want it wrapped in fish paper and stored in a cardboard box." I must have had the look of the devil because her face quickly took on a look of horror. I creeped out a smile and gave my best just kidding look. It seemed to ease the tension a bit, but the conversation wasn't nearly as friendly and automatic as it had been just a few moments earlier. "Yes, please put it in a sack," I said, maintaining my smile, "Otherwise it will be all over my car like a rogue bowling ball." She said nothing. I cant wait till that cliche' wears it self out. I am also equally afraid of what the next one will be. Paying for my groceries shouldn't be the equivalent of a mental Rubik's Cube. I shouldn't have to think about the situation all the way home, so much that it becomes a subject on this blog. I long for the day when all of my groceries will be bagged without question, and my life will become a hell of a lot easier.

Monday, November 23, 2009

'Twas the Month before Christmas

Essie set up the tree tonight. It was a wonderful affair. Yes I am being serious.
She has this way about her that makes me marvel every time she sets out to do something. The jewelry she makes is amazing... One day she said she was going to try her hand at making jewelry and the next day she had a slew of these extremely impressive bracelets, earrings and necklaces that she was going to take to the school and sell to fellow teachers. She made a killing. So now she was adamant about getting this tree set up. It was one of those artificial ones, just a cheap $20 model from Wal-Mart that was given to us by her daughter. It came in it's original box, and the pic on the box showed this feeble little sapling that looked like it had been cut down during a typhoon induced hail storm. It was full of gaps and holes, and didn't have that "full" look at all. But I knew that Essie already had a vision in mind for it... And nothing was going to stop her from achieving the results of that vision. I admitted to her that I had no interest at all in helping with the set up... I am too easily distracted to take the time to sort out the artificial branches and place them into their self-identifiable color-coded holes. I find this job tedious at best, and I would rather find a snug spot on the couch underneath my Cubs blanket and watch episode after episode of Scare Tactics... Which is exactly what I did. That show is whack. I'm only admitting that I watched it to validate my point about hating to set up artificial trees. The host, Tracy Morgan might be the SINGLE MOST annoying person on Earth, and if you are one who thinks this dude is funny, then you really need to re-evaluate what is and what is not comedy. You probably also find Bobcat Goldthwait hilarious. But anyway, back to Essie. She put the tree together by herself, and applied the Christmas ornaments to it with some delicately sliced ribbons she cut, to give it a more "glamorous" look. I have to admit I was blown away. Deep down however, I wasn't at all surprised. Her knack for art supersedes anybody else's that I have ever known. I know it's a good thing I didn't help her... Anything I would have added only would have hindered the look she achieved, and made the tree that much less beautiful.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

I am off for the rest of the week... Just made a 4 mile beer run in my pajamas. Also picked Essie up a potato bowl at KFC. But none for me. Never had one myself. I guess I like my mashed potatoes just fine without all that crap in them. Every once in awhile somebody creates something that is perfect and doesn't need to be tampered with. That point was made quite eloquently by the late great Funkomatic who said, 'Perfection don't need no correction'. A bowl of mashed potatoes is a tremendous feast by itself, and when ANY kind of gravy is added, it becomes a sacrament. Why go Jihad by adding corn, chicken and MSG to it? Beer is another one of those creations that can't be fixed. Yes, there are many varieties... Pale ales, wheat beers, bocks, dark beers, lime beers... And 200 other varieties for you to choose, each one a perfect potion of magical power like a genie in a bottle. I even found the Clamato beer Bud Lite offered last summer to be quite delicious and I hate tomato juice mixed with clam juice. But yeah. I am on vacation... Yesterday was near-perfect. Had I not had to return my daughter to her mother's house, I would probably rack it up right up there with my first birthday, the day I lost my virginity, and that one day back in '98. I watched the Chiefs topple the defending Super Bowl champions as I ate my Thanksgiving meal. There are enough Steeler fans in my family to make that situation interesting, and being the only legitimate Chiefs fan in the house, I caused a ruckus at meal time. The greatest moment during the entire meal was a conversation heard at the kids' table. "Whats going on?" "Tory's dad's team is beating Brianna's dad's team." "Oh." That's when I said that the Steelers' playing in the Super Bowl last year was a fluke... Which was a snappy answer to a point my sister was trying to make about... Well... Last year. The next thing that happened was an all-out brawl, with fisticuffs and flung food. Uncle Harvey managed to wheel Granny from the table before Thomas, my cousin, took a punch from my sister-in-law. He fell backward and crashed into the table, flinging food in every direction. My brother managed to fend himself from Aunt Jane while my sister was no where to be seen. (Later I heard she was in the bathroom.) My father was half way through a big bite of cheesy potatoes when my mother smacked my uncle Tim with a bowl of stuffing... "He 'fell' into me as the table exploded," she said, wiping gravy off of her shirt. The dining room was destroyed. Still, I felt an overload of joy from the Chiefs' victory. I was unscathed from the brawl, left entirely out of the fisticuffs. It was great to watch the Pittsburgh fans in my family beat each other up... Them Steeler fans are an emotional bunch. I wondered if there was a song out there named "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now." I figured there probably was, and that would be the song of the day, if that song did indeed exist. It definitely applied to the Chiefs victory. I love my family... But I hate me some Steelers. And I sure hated taking Tory back to her mom's...

When was the last time...

...You tried to buy a good ol' fashioned potato masher? Mr. Ginger Russ at Thunder Matt's Saloon has written a GREAT account of just that and the perils of this modern civilization's race to simplify everything that is sacred. There is NOTHING left that you can take for granted. Seriously. It's a great read... Check it out.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

It's a Wonderful Night for a Moon Dance

But it's been a pretty crappy week for blogs... Not just for writing on this one, but for reading yours too. I've just been too busy. I have been a POW since last weekend... A Prisoner of Work. I even missed my favorite TV show which, incidently, I can't remember the name of anyway. I just know it's on the Sy-Fy channel on Wednesday nights right after that show with those weirdos from TAPS. It has that one dude who dispells himself around the globe in search of strange crypto-phenonemon... I realize that it's probably fake for the most part... But it usually keeps my interest, which is more than I can say about most television that isn't sports related. That being said, I am way over due for three periods of professional hockey. But yeah... I am T-I-R-E-D, as Aretha would say. One more day until the weekend. I get my wonderful daughter and I couldn't be more anxious to get that ball rolling... Actually, I dont even think there is a moon out tonight...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Forest vs. City

One glaring difference from living in the city to living in the woods: Getting attacked by a cougar takes on an entirely different meaning.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Once in a Lifetime...

The only thing more beautiful than her jewelry is Essie herself... I love you Princess!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

My Wants Maintained

I have been asked for my Christmas list a few times now, but have yet to come up with anything hand written. My responses has been pretty evasive I must admit... Usually, "I don't need anything. My life is perfect!"... Which doesn't really help anybody out who might have me in mind when Christmas shopping, or had the misfortune of drawing my name out of a Secret Santa hat. I'm sure I'm a bugger to buy for because the Pisces in me shifts gears so often, that I'm likely to want something one day, and not at all the next. There are however, a couple of things that I have maintained on my want list that would fill the void in a holiday shopping spree if anybody was so inclined to fill that void. Nothing on the list is terribly expensive, but might be hard to locate, as there probably is a reason (especially with the music) that I do not have it already. It's really hard to find certain bands here in Iowa... I'm not sure why... It's quite weird actually. I'm not a big online shopper, which narrows down my search quite a bit. The stuff I have bought online has been mostly sports shirts/jerseys directly from the source. For all the right reasons I am a bit paranoid about buying CD's on Amazon, or through Ebay. So without further adieu... My list of wants maintained: CD's Iron Maiden (Anything) Rollins Band (Anything) Hemlock (Anything) Bevis Frond (Anything) Slayer (Anything) Neil Young (Prairie Wind) Junior Brown (Anything) 311 (Music) Grateful Dead (Mars Hotel) Queens of the Stone Age (Anything) The White Stripes (Anything) T-Shirts (XL) Johnny Cash Iron Maiden Rollins Band Washington Capitals DVD's Looney Tunes (Spotlight Collection Vol. 3) Grateful Dead (Downhill from Here) The Grateful Dead Movie Monty Python (Live at the Hollywood Bowl) (New) Land of the Lost So yeah. It's quite simple really. I am not that hard to shop for... This list is handy, and will be intact the next time my gears shift. In other words, it wont change. Thankyathankyathankyaverymuch...

Friday, November 13, 2009

Another from the Consumer Reports dept.

This beautiful German Shepherd is Loo. We were fortunate enough to have him this week while his owner was out of town. He truly is one of the greatest dogs I have ever been associated with... Personality-wise and behavior-wise. While he was with us, he provided us great companionship. It also provided an opportunity for me test a product for the Consumer Products department. This is a package of Beggin Strips from Purina: See how the dog on the package is reacting to the product? He looks super excited, like he is crazy with anticipation about the taste of this bacon and cheese product. Sure... it's just a cartoon, but whenever I've seen this product, I've always wondered if that was a genuine reaction. Would Loo be equally excited when offered a Purina Beggin Strip? Could I get that same reaction from a real dog... Or is the cartoon dog just an exaggeration... A marketing ploy to sell an inferior product? I decided to show Loo the product, let him smell it, and then immediately take his picture. I was a little bit surprised by his reaction: Seems to me that this is a great product. The reaction I got from Loo was shockingly close to what the picture of the dog on the package represented. Loo actually loved the Beggin Strips so much, I sent a couple extra packages home with him. I (and Loo too) absolutely give this product a thumbs-up. Nice job Purina!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Great Commercial for NHL

I'm tired and going to bed. A friend posted this on Essie's Facebook account and I thought it was worthy of sharing. Good night!

R is for Redneck

Evey once in awhile a trip into town renders a chance meeting with some of the local folks which is always a delight, because of how ass-backward their perception of life is. I was pumping gas into the old Metro last night and heard a bass-thumpin stereo. That in itself wasn't unusual. The kids often deck their cars out with expensive speakers, and it's common to hear one of these high schoolers driving down the street with his shaded windows up and the bass a thumpin'. I always enjoy this actually, because you know in that kid's world he is the coolest cat in the country. Hell, we all need that chance in our life to be cool. So this feller last night drove into the gas station parking lot with his bass a thumpin'. I could see through his windows and this wasn't a kid. It was a middle aged man, bald, no tint on his windows. He had his stereo up very loud with his bass dial set to the highest level. The White GT he was driving was stylish... Nice mags... But as he opened his car door to pump his own gas, it became very clear he was just a bit um... Well, the word poser comes to mind. This guy missed his chance to be cool a long time ago. It wasn't 50 Cent or Too Short that was rockin' the bass from his speaker box... It was Toby Keith. Sorry pal... You just lost all street cred. And this is for you:

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Veteran's Day Meanderings

I woke up this morning at 5:30 to let Loo outside. He is a German Shepherd who is in our care this week until Thursday, and truly one of the greatest dogs of all time. He has a hankerin' for Beggin Strips and will do just about anything you ask of him to obtain one or two of those delicious treats. He's like Scooby Doo... Sometimes he has to be bribed with two "Scooby Snacks." But my point is, I swear this dog speaks English. If I tell him to make a goofy face for a Beggin' Strip, by golly he sticks out his tongue and crosses his eyes. Amazing. Essie and I made a video last night from the this blog's Consumer Reports dept. with Loo as the star. As soon as it gets edited, I will be sure to post it. Today is Veteran's day, and of course I want to acknowledge all of those who have done this country a wonderful service by serving in the Armed Forces. I appreciate the scarifices and the valor... I love this country with all my being, and I can't think of a way of life any different than the one I am living. This is all because of the Veterans and I am extremely thankful. I wish I had enough money to buy each and every one of you a beer today. By the way, Eric who was in the Marines has a great post at his site if you want some Veterans' Day inspiration. One of my favorite veterans is MIA so to speak... Haws left for Nairobi, Kenya last week, and I haven't heard from him for a few days. We chatted for a bit while he was in Dulles Airport awaiting his flight. He was to go on a safari this past weekend, and I totally anticipated hearing about it, or at least getting some pics in my inbox. But nothing yet... God's speed to you brother... Hope all is well in your base camp.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Burn After Reading

I was getting ready to post something truly amazing but... Essie can't find her notebook that has everything important in it. That in itself isn't a problem, at least for me, except that while that shenanigan is ensuing, I have absolutely NO ability to concentrate for more than a second or two at a time. She is swooping from room to room in a desperate search, and is obviously super inconvenienced by this tragic loss. Thus, every time I think I am going to begin this post, my attention is quickly diverted back to her and her lurid situation. I tried making a joke to relieve some of her stress. "John Muhammad is going to be executed in 19 minutes and you think you have stress?" It drew a feeble smile, but otherwise didn't make a ripple in the intensity of her search. She was already on her way to the kitchen to search through the silverware drawer again. Jumping at the chance to write with the two-second window she was giving me, I got back into position to start this post. I had thought of the perfect opening line for what I wanted to post about, and I was just about to apply it to words... "I found my jewelry notebook," she said as she rushed into the room. Her voice had a hint of relieved happiness to it but not total elation. "I still can't find the notebook with the kids' Christmas list in it." Her search continued. In an effort to help her out, I felt around on the keyboard shelf that was underneath the desk, just above my knees. The shelf, once slidable (and used) when I had a PC, has been broken for several months now. The slide rail doesn't work anymore and it just sits there sans keyboard. It has become a narrow cave in which things that get left out on the desk too long get shuffled away to. I could feel what was there... A CD without it's case, some loose papers, earphone wires... A pair of dice, my Zippo... Dust... But no notebook. It didn't matter. She was already back in the kitchen. I gathered my thoughts and just about started typing the first words of my amazing post. I was immediately interrupted by Essie again, who came into the room with a bowl and a spoon. Apparently she gave up her search, at least long enough to eat some instant oatmeal... And to talk to me. That was 10 minutes ago. I have no idea what we talked about because I am next to the television and it's volume is about 20% louder than she is when she talks, and I do not read lips. I literally maintained the conversation by reading her face and saying "Ok", and "Cool!" and nodding occasionally, and I was able to do this the entire 9 minutes it took her to eat her oatmeal. Now she is off drawing bath water, and it looks like I will finally have that golden window of time to write this incredible post. The unfortunate thing is... I have absolutely NO idea what I was going to post about.

John Muhammad: You are on the Clock

The DC sniper is set to die tonight at 9:00 PM in Virginia. It hardly seems fair that he is given warning.

Monday, November 9, 2009

The Curse of Number 27

It seems that the Chiefs have finally done some housekeeping. They cut Larry Johnson today after he returned to the team following a 2 week suspension for making inflammatory gay comments on his Twitter account and then again to reporters the next day when members of the press asked him about it. That... And for all the other trouble he has gotten himself into during his storied career in Kansas City, including two different incidents last year involving women at nightclubs. Oh... And for being an insubordinate asshole. And... For almost breaking Priest Holmes's franchise rushing record. He was only 74 yards away, you know. Chief fans, who generally hate this horrid piece of human feces, would have been sick with anti-pride had he accomplished that. So much in fact, that if it had happened in Kansas City, the fans would have booed him. So it looks like Larry Johnson will be starting from scratch somewhere else. Good riddance! All's well in the land of the CHIEFS! Right?! Um... Wait a minute... Hold on... Uh-oh. Even though the Chiefs faithful are doing a victory dance tonight, the joy will be momentary, because this isn't going to end well. Why is that, you ask? Because you know that son of a bitch is going to land in the offensive backfield of some other AFC team real soon, probably in the West, and torment our defense for the next 3 or 4 years. Because being just 30 years old, Larry Johnson has at least that many good years left in him. And because he hates the Chiefs and their fans as much as the Chiefs and their fans hate him. Because he seems to fit the profile of a person who holds a long and meaningful grudge who is already plotting his revenge. Revenge that will be served cold... Like the frozen Arrowhead turf in late December... I hate to say it, but I don't share in the joy the other fans are having about this. I already know how this story is going to end. Larry Johnson is going to get the last laugh.

I Stole This

From Grouchy Old Cripple who's blog I found while scrolling through Big Tom's blogroll: Click photo to enlarge Maybe with a little luck, I could win a Pulitzer.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

I Heart Tory

Click photo to enlarge Nobody has more heart than my daughter Tory. She proved this once again today as she played with some of Essie's beads...

I'm Bleeding, but at least it's Black and Gold

I haven't read the forums or the newspaper chats, but I am assuming that Hawkeye fans are predicting the apocalypse. That's how it goes in the Hawkeye State... The fans live and die with U of I sports. When the Hawks are winning, no matter how ugly, all is good in the land of Oz. However when the great house of cards takes it's inevitable tumble, fans tend to hit the panic button. Fingers get pointed and names get called. It's an ugly reality in the world of Hawkeye sports... A fact I wish wasn't so. I do not plan on reading the paper. At least that's how I feel right now.. It's been a Sunday morning ritual of mine to sift through the Des Moines Register's Sunday online edition and read all things Hawkeyes. Tomorrow... Well I just don't know. Every article is accompanied by a comments section which allows Hawk fans or anybody else who wants to, to sound off about the article. There's been a lot of talk about the Hawkeyes' national powress lately, and everybody seems to be on the opinion that this is the year of the Hawk, like God has a special plan for our beloved football team. A 12-0 season is inevitable, and the only question is, what team will Iowa play in the national championship game... Or will they be unfairly dissed by the fucked up system that is the BCS? That of course is the chatter when the Hawks are winning. But I know these fans. All is not good in Oz right now, and this single loss is going to bring down the house. Ridiculous statements will be made about the play calling on the field, Ricky Stanzi's injury, and 100 reasons why we suddenly need to shake up the coaching staff and get some heads rolling. Never mind the 13 game winning streak, and never mind the good times associated with the said streak. With the house of cards in a bundled mess on the floor, nothing is right with Iowa football. Iowa fans love their team, but they cannot take a loss. Grateful Dead lyrics come to mind... I used to love her, but it's all over now. Obviously I do not feel this way. I have had a wonderful ride within that 13 game winning streak, and I cannot wait to see how the Hawks rebuild from this loss when they play the Buckeyes next week in Columbus. Even if they lose next week which is obviously possible, I will hold my head up high. If you would have told me in August that the Hawks were going to finish the season 10-2, I would have been elated... Especially with their difficult schedule. If the wheels fall of completely, and the Hawks also lose their final game to Minnesota, then I will still be excited about a record of 9-3. Barring a premature trip to the NFL most of this Hawkeye team will be back next year, with a more relaxed schedule. 9-3 will still bring a great bowl game, in some sunny location, probably after the first of the year. More importantly, 9-3 will set the table for a very exciting 2010 college football season. But I'm not throwing in the towel yet. Kirk Ferentz knows what he is doing. He has had this coaching staff intact for over a decade now, and they will gel through this, and more than likely come out smelling like a rose. Maybe this loss was a good thing, the week before the Big Ten showdown in Columbus. Nothing will open a team's eyes like an unexpected loss, and because Stanzi's injury doesn't seem to be too serious (cross my fingers) the Hawks should go into Columbus running on all cylinders. Of course that's the optimist in me. Personally, I think that the Buckeyes are one of the most perennially over-rated teams in the nation. I really expect Iowa's coaching staff to use this loss as a positive and to go into the Ohio State game angry and with purpose. The defense should be starving after this loss... Hungry enough to eat up Terrelle Pryor, the virtually untested sophomore quarterback that runs the Ohio State offense. Once again, that is the optimist in me. Meanwhile, the pessimist in me is just really hoping that this is the case. Or maybe it's my Hawkeye blood?

Friday, November 6, 2009

Consumer Reports dept.

Axe makes some pretty bold commercials. Apparently applying a little bit of their body spray to your torso can be a dangerous act... It seems to set off some hormonal reflex within the female gender that can't be controlled, and virtually makes you a target for all the women who are in your general vicinity. Especially those women who are clad in bikinis, and incidentally way too hot to normally notice such a feeble existence as yours. If this stuff actually works, it is worth 100 million times more than the 4 dollars each bottle sells for at Wally-World. It's platinum for pennies, a literal genie in a bottle. I thought I'd give it a try to see if it actually works. I stood outside the mall and sprayed a healthy amount onto my shirt. I made sure I did this when no body was watching because... Well... Holy crap that would be embarrassing as hell if somebody saw me doing that just before I walked into a mall. So non-chalantly I gave myself a healthy spray, threw caution to the wind, and entered the building. I made a slight cringe as I stepped forward, knowing I was unleashing a tidal wave of male pheromones. I imagined the movie theater scene in Outbreak, when the guy coughs in slow motion and his tainted germs are released into the immediate atmosphere to those helplessly around him. If these Axe commercials were true, then I knew I had to brace for what was going to happen next. I entered the mall in motion picture slow motion. Then with one giant step forward without any possibility of turning back, I made the metaphorical forward plunge. After all, I figured, what's the worse thing that could happen to me... I could end up like that poor guy on the commercial?

I walked steadfast into the mall. Several women were in my general vicinity, and I eyed them surreptitiously. Evidently they hadn't caught a whiff of me yet... But perhaps I was still up-wind. Surely the air inside the mall moved toward the exits, one of which was just a few yards behind me.

I strode gallantly past the girls making sure to get close enough so that they couldn't escape my alluring aroma. I was a little surprised that I didn't even garner a look-up. I could smell the Axe spray I had shot onto my body... Why couldn't they? I noticed a fresh cookie kiosk nearby... Perhaps I thought, that the smells of the cookies were stronger than the spray on my body, and I was just in the wrong part of the mall. I walked deeper into the mall, away from any food kiosks. Along the way I passed several beautiful women. Not one of them looked at me, or gave me any indication that I was even a small part of their interest. I was beginning to think that this Axe spray - women attraction thing might just be a bit fabricated.

Could it be that I hadn't been generous enough in my application of Axe body spray?

I had to find out. I went to the center part of the mall where the grand piano sets next to the fountain. Despite the people gathered on benches and the kids tossing pennies into the pool of water, I took off my shirt and stood there. I took out the spray, and shot the remainder of what was in the bottle onto my bare chest. Then I dropped the bottle, and put my arms straight out, palms upward, slightly higher than my shoulders... Just like the guy in the commercial. Then for dramatic effect only, I began to spin around... With my eyes closed I imagined the throng of women closing in on me from all sides...

I'm going to end this post by saying that those Axe commercials are BIG FAT lies. When I did open my eyes I was not surrounded by a throng of man-hungry women, but instead a large mall security guard who seemed intent on ushering me outside. The looks I got from the women who were near me were not pleasant or aroused, but more like super disgusted. Those who had children were shielding me away from them like I was some child eating jungle beast, and I barely got my shirt back on before Mr. Mall Security pushed me out into the busy parking lot.

In conclusion, this consumer report finds that the Axe commercials are mis-leading and also a misrepresentation of the product. A consumer has no advantage in getting laid by using Axe body spray any more than he'd have if he were to spray on his father's Old Spice cologne. In fact, he might have a better chance of getting laid using the Old Spice because he'd be able to save the 4 dollars to spend elsewhere... Like on a cheap bouquet of flowers... At the very least the consumer probably wouldn't get that dreaded look of disgust.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Foiled Pack of Deliciousness


Thoughts of Random

It's too cold to be outside without long sleeves on, and it's already dark at 5:30. I guess I might as well get used to it, another summer is in the books. Nonetheless, I have fired up the ol' charcoal grill with anticipation, as I have two big hamburger patties wrapped up tight in foil along with the obligatory shadow of sliced green peppers, potatoes and carrots. Where I work they call these Hobo Dinners, but I have always called them Foil Packs. Whatever they are called, there is nary a more delicious meal to be served, anywhere. I would eat them on a plane, and I would eat them in the rain. I freakin' love Foil Packs. Essie is working hard in the back room making jewelry for a craft sale that is coming up in a few weeks. She is quite good at making beaded bracelets and ear rings with sterling silver components, and hemp necklaces too. It's just something that she picked up a few months ago, and has developed quite a knack for making very unique and artistic jewelry. It's all for sale... So if you have a mother or an aunt, girlfriend or a wife to buy for this Christmas, I'm sure we could work something out... I'd be happy to ship it! The Usual Suspects is on television... This might be my favorite movie of all time. It's one of the few movies ever made that will make me stop what I am doing to sit and watch. That is unless there are Foil Packs on the anticipated horizon. Aint nothing gonna get in the way of that favorite delicacy...

Monday, November 2, 2009

Football Fantasy

Maybe it's the Iowa Hawkeye in me, but I am totally in love with football right now. Of course it might also be that I am poised to take over first place in my Fantasy League tonight. (Actually, if tonight's game wasn't even played, I still would move into first, as I have enough points banked this week that there is no virtual way I could lose... Nor escape the residual slide from second place to first in my league.) Being a 14 team league, this is no small accomplishment. But anyway... The Hawkeyes are the only team in the nation with a 9-0 mark... Bet you didn't know that. Despite that, and the fact that they have what is power-ranked as the 7th toughest schedule in the nation, they are getting almost no love from the national media. No team in Big Ten history has won at Penn State, Wisconsin, and Michigan State in the same year as Iowa has this year, except Michigan who did it in 1997. That same year Michigan went on to become the AP National Champion (Nebraska won the coaches poll, a year before the BCS went into effect.). If Iowa knocks off Ohio State in Columbus in a couple of weeks, that mark will be unprecedented and put Iowa in a class all their own. Ironically, the two Big Ten teams that Iowa does not play this year are the two worst teams, Purdue who is 3-6, and Illinois who is 2-6. So, to eliminate Iowa from the National Championship conversation seems a little premature at this point, especially based off of their supposed weak schedule. The national media loves TCU, Boise State, Oregon and Cincinnati. The same media shuns Iowa despite this little discussed factoid: No team on that list has beaten more teams with a winning record than Iowa. Take a look: Number of opponents defeated that currently have winning records Iowa 6 Cincinnati 4 Texas Christian 4 Oregon 3 Boise State 2 Let it be known that TCU has not beaten a single team slotted in today's Top 25. On the other hand, no team on this list except for one has beaten more teams in the top 25 than Iowa, who has beaten three, two of which were on the road. (Penn State, Wisconsin, Arizona) The exception is Oregon, but all three times the deed was done within the comforts of the Ducks' home stadium. (Utah, California, and USC). Cincinnati and Boise State have each beaten one current team ranked in the top 25. So... National media... Where's the love? Ok, on the lighter side of life, back to baseball... I laughed at this article and immediately thought of Len, the only person who leaves comments on this blog, and the resident Cardinals fan: Mark McGwire To Teach Cardinal Hitters At What Point In Swing To Evade Congressional Questioning. Gotta love the Onion. Ok, that's all for now. Essie just made some hot chocolate, and I have a game to watch.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

I am too tired to write about anything else

So I am going to list the last 10 Cd's I have bought. Would love your comments... 10. Matisyahu Youth 9. The Blues Brothers The Definitive Collection 8. Office Space Movie Soundtrack 7. The Cramps Psychedelic Jungle 6. The Dictators Manifest Destiny 5. Eddie Vedder Into the Wild 4. Johnny Paycheck The Soul and the Edge 3. T. Rex Futuristic Dragon 2. Yngwie J. Malmsteen Trilogy 1. Yngwie J. Malmsteen Trial by Fire