Shep's Movie Review: Rock of Ages

This image of Tom Cruise says everything you need
to know about Rock of Ages.

Have you been thinking to yourself lately that it would really be great if somebody would make a big Hollywood movie musical that featured the music of a bunch of poser 80's metal bands like Def Leppard, Poison, Warrant, and Foreigner?

Yeah neither have I, but some worthless Tinseltown tally whacker went and did just that. This abomination based on the Broadway musical (which I'm sure sucked as well) has me wondering just what in the hell any of these people involved in this cinematic piece of kaka were thinking. Since this is Hollywood we're talking about; thinking, of course had nothing to do with it.

Okay, it goes without saying that this thing sucks.

The thing seems to be tanking fast at the box office and the only real surprise there is that it came in third place. Last place is too high of a spot for this stinker. What I want to know is just exactly what audience were they going for here. I can't think of anybody who should what to shell out actual money to see this.(Speaking of money, Hey, New Line Cinema I WANT MY MONEY BACK!)

I mean 80's rocker guy who works at the factory with his sleeveless KISS and MOTLEY CRUE t-shirts and plays in his band at the local bar doing shitty covers of faux metal songs that were pretty shitty to begin with ain't gonna like this. I'm guessing that the only people who are gonna like it are the kinda people who like to watch GLEE. And maybe some of the crowd who really get their rocks off watching AMERICAN IDOL for the music.

As far as the plot of the film, well you've seen it all before only done much better. Boy meets girl, they fall in love, they chase their dreams, they split up because of a simple misunderstanding, they become disillusioned over not achieving dreams, then reconnect, rekindle their love and everybody's dreams come true in the end. There are actually a number of plot lines running through the film, such as the mayor's wife, played by Kathrine Zeta Jones, (even she couldn't save this thing for me) who basically wants to shut down the entire Sunset Strip. A nice '80s nod to Tipper Gore and the whole PMRC thing.

So with this film you get terrible story, one dimensional characters, and one of the worst soundtracks ever made. The film does seem to be kind of satirizing the whole '80s thing in a way (which is something I probably could have got behind) but really it plays more like a tribute. Either way it doesn't matter because either way it doesn't work. I don't even think that this film works on any kind of nostalgic level, but that for others to say. Musicals are always a concept of film making that I have trouble wrapping my brain around but you're better off watching ANNIE.

It's certainly closer to the taproot of what rock 'n' roll is. The soundtrack is certainly better.

So I'll sum this up. Not that anyone out there was expecting it would be, but this is not a rock 'n' roll movie. This is what people who don't know what rock 'n' roll is, think that rock 'n' roll is. You know, the people who run the megacorp record companies and commercial communications companies. This is what the producers of the TODAY SHOW think rock 'n' roll is.

If you are of the mind set that rock 'n' roll is, or at least was, some kind of movement, some sort of cultural revolution, well then I'm thinking the wrong side won. The fact that the movie is not raking it in gives some small amount of hope I guess, but we'll see.

"I can't fight this feeling."

You already know not to pay to see this movie. I would say that if someone offers you 50 bucks to see it, just say no. No matter how bad your financial situation, you don't need the money that bad. Seiously. Now you'll excuse me, I'm late for my therapist appointment. I have to get the image of Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin serenading each other with "I Can't Fight This Feeling" out of my brain.