Are you unsure about the proper way to mount your '72 Nova on cinder blocks? Maybe you have questions about what to do with that damned BBQ stain on your (almost) new wife beater? Do you know how to handle yourself in a chain fight, and what to do about that dude who is eyeballing you from across the bar?
Now you can get the answers to these questions - plus any others by simply asking our new columnist, East-side Earl. He has lived near the Fairgrounds his entire life, growing up just east of Hubbell Avenue near the K-Mart. He knows a thing or two about east-side dilemmas and has a rare insight on how to handle just about any situation.
We at the Bigfoot Diaries are extremely grateful to have a man of his caliber among our ranks.
Dear East-side Earl,
I have a problem. My girlfriend's family is having a function in West Des Moines and I have to go along. I tend to feel out of place and don't know how to act in trendy West Des Moines restaurants. Can you offer any advice?
|Perhaps the best defense during a trendy outing?|
Man I know how you feel on this one, but it's been a while since I've been to WDM. The most important thing to remember is you're only half as uncomfortable in a place like that as they are having you there. So just put on your best steel-toe boots and jean jacket (the kind w/ a nice sized flask pocket inside) and be confident man! Usually a 5th of Beam can help you there. Speak loud and often so there aint no break in the conversations. Don't forget to brag about stuff, that's what those kind like to hear. So tell 'em about all the fights you won outside of bars, or your two-tone primered '77 Monte. Oh yeah, don't forget jewelry, a nice chain around your neck goes a long way. And brass knuckles look sweet under fancy lights. Cops out there would just love to get a hold of a fella like yourself so make sure you got some red plastic to tape over your broken tail light lenses.
That should take care of all your worries, good luck to you, Barnacle!
If you have a question, you can send it to East-side Earl at firstname.lastname@example.org. Be sure to write "East-side Earl" in the subject line.