Tuesday, November 6, 2012

The BD Election Day Round Table Discussion

In our second installment of the round table discussion, each member of the Bigfoot staff  was asked: If you could elect one rocker/musician for president and one for vice president, who would they be and why? As one might expect, the answers came from all over the place. The following is our choices, accompanied with some very cool artwork by our tech guru, CVEckian. The words within the artwork are our own... Happy voting!

If you could elect one rocker/musician for president and one for vice president, who would they be and why?

T.Church: Kick out the jams, mofos... My pick is Wayne Kramer for president. This legendary guitarist has more political activism on his fret board than most of those jokers in congress and the senate currently do combined. Whether he is engaged at a pro-union rally in Wisconsin, playing a concert for the inmates at Sing Sing, or protesting the war in Denver, this man gives a voice to the voiceless and stands in solidarity with those who oppose corporate corruption and the fascist world policies that have come to define American entrepreneurship. Despite the atomic bomb blasts that comes out of his Fender guitar, his ideology is one of peace, and his heart is with the people. Throughout his life he has overcome one obstacle after another, and would have the wisdom to conquer new ones as they arise. He'd provide an ally for the American worker, and would be a friend of industry. He'd turn the priority list in Washington on it's head, and reset the function of government to be a machine of the people for the people. He'd stand up to America's biggest foe - which is itself - and stop the greedy corporate zealots who currently pull the strings.

Adding Handsome Dick Manitoba to the ticket as Kramer's VP would add sensibility to the campaign, which is something that Washington needs desperately.There would be no transparency in the Kramer/Manitoba White House. Manitoba's captive personality would be a plus when it comes to dealing with foreign leaders, and his no-nonsense attitude would bring a new level of respect to the United States. Like our current Vice President, you would never have to wonder what is on his mind and with Manitoba's satellite radio show, "The Handsome Dick Manitoba Radio Program" on Sirius XM, he'd have a constant rapport with the people. Kinda like a modern version of FDR's Fireside Chats.

Robert Patton: My votes would be Tracy Chapman for President and either Billy Joel or Willie Nelson for Vice President. Chapman has the empathy, the conscience, the real understanding of what the vast majority of people go through every day. My first choice for VP would have been Bono; unfortunately, he's not a natural-born citizen and therefore Constitutionally ineligible. Joel and Nelson have similar understandings that would round out a Chapman Administration.

Mr. Clean: Ted Nugent for president and Blackie Lawless (W.A.S.P.) for vice president. America doesn't need sissies in suits ruining the country. America needs horny men (like Bill Clinton) to take charge of the deficit, piss on terrorism and war in general, and throw in wicked guitar solos at the same while thrusting their pelvises out back and forth. America, land of free and home of the "brave". Not home of the "rich wuss!"

Turtle Boy: Seriously? Why even ask this question? My choice for President would obviously be Jello Biafra of the Dead Kennedys. He has history running for mayor in San Francisco and I think he actually tried running for presidency in 2000. C'mon this guy's a genius...  and I'm pretty sure his actions won't be so extreme this time. The Stars and Stripes of Corruption indeed. VP? Henry Rollins. Just as smart but in a douchier way. And I highly doubt he needs a body guard.

Grant's Tomb: Aaron Turner (owner Hydra Head records, ex-Isis, Old Man Gloom) as President. He's a small business owner for one. He is huge into philosophy and an unabashed book worm. As far as VP, either Justin K. Broderick (ex-Napalm Death, Godflesh, Jesu) because the guy is smart as hell, and he prefers 'herbal' remedies, or Ian McKaye (ex-Minor Threat, Fugazi, The Evens). McKaye shouldn't need any explanation, but for those who don't know, he is another independent business owner and is a staunch supporter of anti-war, anti-government movements.

Samantha L. Thomas: Janis Joplin for president and John Lennon for Vice President. Janis because she was powerful, an icon, an artist and a visionary. John because he would have been exceptional for foreign relations and diplomacy.

Shep: Well, I think there's really only one choice when it's all said and done.

Obviously my pick for prez is Handsome Dick Manitoba. It would be a really nice kind of change to have a guy hold the office that calls 'em as he sees 'em. A guy who will say what he thinks and really doesn't care what you, me, or anyone else thinks about it. Such a thing would be in sharp contrast to most modern presidents; who poll and focus group every word so as to be careful not to offend their chosen segments of the emotional electorate.

The campaign itself would be something to behold. While the current Romney/Obama turdball melodrama is unexciting, uninspiring, and an endless, shameless parade of predictable cliche's and platitudes; I would think that you could rest assured a Manitoba campaign would be a high energy, rip snortin', hootenanny that you could hold your head high when telling future generations about.

The Inauguration Balls and White House Galas would turn from being stuffy and cold elitist cocktail snoozefests that only people who work for N.P.R. could find exciting; to wild, outrageous parties, with broken furniture, broken windows, exploded amps, and obscene bar tabs. The kind of scene that would have Ted Kennedy raising his glass in salute from that great tiki bar in the sky.

My veep pick would be Barrington Womble. Better known to the world as Barry Wom, drummer for the Rutles. Yeah, it's true that he would actually be disqualified because 1) he wasn't born in the U.S.A., and 2) he isn't actually...well, real, but come on. He's still more life-like than Dick Cheney or Al Gore.

CVEckian: I was pretty pumped when our own Commander and Chief, here at The Bigfoot Diaries, informed me that it was my turn to pose the next round table question. What timing! With the looming election chugging away with a full head of steam, carrying along the multitudes struggling with their quadrennial power to select the next man (okay... I know I should say "or woman", but let's be real here ladies... We men are real dicks when it comes to relinquishing power to the opposite sex) to run the big capitalistic machine, it seemed like an obvious question to ask. One could argue that such a juxtaposition of power is just fantasy talk but if you look at both positions of stature closely you will see that they are not really that far apart. Both have the ability to somewhat control the currents of thought; to make subtle (and sometimes blatant) alterations in the fabric of our culture; to shape the way things are looked at from a morale perspective that meets the needs of at least some major part of the collective.

This is where the similarities begin to break down, in my opinion.

There is so much more diversity in the music industry. Especially these days where many a line, separating one genre/style from another, have been breached (for better or worse) and the tapestry of thought is way more textural, not to mention CONTEXTual, than anything coming out of these cookie-cutter politicians warming the seats of power in Washington (with sizable ass cheeks cushioned by the wads of cash received from special interest groups).

We are overdue for a little more depth of thought.

We are overdue for someone who will not live and die by what is spun through the 24-hr news cycle each and every day.

We are overdue for someone who can control power without abusing it (the last few administrations have done more to diminish privacy and property rights, pushing us ever closer to an Orwellian police state, than even I thought was possible.. And I am pretty conspiratorial about these things - Remind me to talk to you about the Rothschilds someday) and to do what is right for the masses as a whole.

And we are ALL overdue for REAL change, not just more broken promises.

The Reverend Maynard James Keenan is just the man to take it all up a notch. Enough of this left versus right brain-rot, it is time for a truly viable third (eye) party solution that will look for systematic changes to the very machine itself. To strip away the corrupt conduits of cash being pumped into the broken system on an hourly basis. To allow the press to survey the political landscape without being allowed to corrupt it with focus groups and money-laundering schemes of their own. To reign in the military with respect and constructively tweak its infrastructure to remove the "new world order police" mindset that has infected the core of its leadership. To redirect the super-computers to stop prying into our each and every move and bring the priority back to protecting intellectual and privacy rights instead. This will not be an easy task and will immediately make the man a target amongst the paranoid brokers of life and limb that will still be entrenched around him in the land the Free Masons built. This is why he will hold off on such radical changes until the Indigo Children are ready to make their move and sever the ties to the ancient families and break this country free of its need to pit culture against culture just to occupy the time and sell hate to the masses to fill the voids left behind.

"Just in general, any government throughout history hasn't really wanted its people to be educated, because then they couldn't control them as easily." ~ Maynard James Keenan

I am obviously being over-the-top here for reasons of effect. There is no way to know whether any of our picks would ever be up to such a challenge, or even give enough of a fuck to try it, but it is fun to speculate. I certainly hesitate in assuming to know how the good Rev would handle such a situation and to pretend as much would only earn me a swift kick in the nuts should I ever meet the man, but I know enough about him to offer a hypothesis. To say that he is a fairly complex man with a wide range of knowledge would be an understatement. He has done more than most to shape the musical landscape of the 21st century, has respectable entrepreneurial skills, and adapts to changes in his environment well. His task will not be an easy one (to release millions from the shackles of dogmatic thought and materialistic fervor) but with all of the skeletons in his closet already exposed it will be hard for the media to corner him into making decisions that cut at the core of his beliefs. Revolution through evolution. If one listens to certain songs ("Right In Two", "Lateralus", "Forty Six & 2", and "Third Eye" come to mind) it is easy to develop a solid platform based on thinking outside of the box and realizing that what plagues one plagues us all, that we are more alike than we are different, and that all good things require a little sacrifice (goodbye L.A. ... Learn to swim). It is time to disconnect from the hype and spin spoon-fed to us in ridiculous amounts, from a myriad of sources, and begin progressing mankind towards a higher level of existence.

"If the education of our kids comes from radio, television, newspapers - if that's where they get most of their knowledge from, and not from the schools, then the powers that be are definitely in charge, because they own all those outlets." ~ Maynard James Keenan

As for his shadow... I would simply throw Lady Gaga into that role for shits and giggles. She would be nice eye-candy during the stressful times, add a certain pizazz to the fashion, and keep the foreign delegations on their toes with her sexual ambiguity. She is way more intelligent than people give her credit for and may just surprise us in the end, although VPs are rarely allowed to do so.

So... If you will excuse me from my rather lengthy rant, I am going to go back to enjoying my orange slices and some fetal spooning.

Don't be a douche bag... GO VOTE!


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That was fun to read. I am liking the roundtable!