Things You Shouldn’t do for 5 Minutes with a Bagel for $500

This post was written by Guest Blogger Marci Tribble who lives in New York City. She used to manage her own blog which was called Subliminal Silence, which she has since abandoned. Her stories of free beer and the shenanigans that ensued were timeless. She says she wants to start blogging again, and this is that first baby step forward... Thank you Marci!

I work for a hospital in the Psychiatry Department at an off site clinic. I often have to walk a mile to the hospital to explore different ways to waste my time for meetings. Today was one of those days. I took off on my hike early so I could eat lunch in the hospital cafeteria before my meeting. I get excited about this because the hospital food only PARTLY makes me want to vomit. Since I work in the hood, my normal options are chinese food with feathers in it or fried fish with mayonnaise, both of which make me actually vomit.

It was 2pm so most people are done eating and there are only a few people in the cafeteria. An old man walks in and gets a bagel and loudly yells that there is no toaster. He comes out and sees a microwave and puts the bagel in it. He then proceeds to sit down at the table next to me. About 3 minutes later, I am off in my own world thinking about world domination when I notice the smoke monster from “LOST” (the one that makes the noise of a cab printing a receipt) out of the corner of my eye. Being someone that refuses to be taken out by a stupid smoke monster, I get up and start Kung Fu Fighting look to see who is going to fix the problem. A cafeteria worker runs and opens the microwave and smoke fills the entire cafeteria. She looks at me as if it is my responsibility to claim the burning bagel. I try to get old guys attention but he is deaf so I walk over to his table:

Me: “Sir, I think your bagel is burning”

Old Dude: “Why is it your problem, I want it burned!!” and proceeds to flail his arms in the air in an attempt to get me out of his face.

Me: “In that case, I think your bagels ready”

By this time the smoke has run people out of the cafeteria and there is talk in the distance about calling the fire department. I look back and everyone in the cafeteria is still looking at me as if I am responsible for this old guy. This is when I notice the bagel is actually on fire, as in flames coming off a black piece of charcoal. A woman sitting next to the microwave pours her soda on it.

The old guy just sits there as if he doesn’t realize that there is no longer oxygen in the air. Realizing that I am on my lunch break and I should only be dealing with crazies when I am not on break, I gather my trash and try to run for the exit, at which point I hear the man call to me. I turn around to see that he is finally noticed his wet bagel ash and asks me if I “am going to replace his bagel that I burned”. This is when the faux fire fighter chimed in and said “you can replace my soda while your at it”. I decided work was better than this so I put on my confused face and walked away.